Dream The Impossible Dream
Now I’m afraid I have built up this parenting thing so that when you find out what I really have to say about it you are going to think, “So?” It’s really basic information that you could learn anywhere. I was just in the right place at the right time and it finally makes sense.
I am also afraid to post anything about parenting for other reasons.
- I am such a novice.
- 90% of you will disagree with me
- I will change my mind about all my ideas tomorrow. Maybe.
But I’m going to be brave and do it anyway in case it actually helps someone. At the very least it will help me think things through as I write about it.
What I’m talking about here are principles. I can’t fix everybody’s organizational problems in one seminar. All I can do is teach principles and it is up to them to figure out how to apply them in their home. I am not telling you the right and wrong way to parent your child. I am sharing principles that have worked for us and it’s up to you to apply them for you and your children.
The first thing you need is a dream. Paint a picture in your mind of the ideal home environment for you and then write it down. Do you want your home to look lived in and be a place where there is a lot of action and people are having fun and expressing themselves freely? Or do you feel better when things are clean and orderly and nobody speaks out of turn? How about something in between? You need to decide what you want before you can make it happen and it will be different for all of us. Let’s give each other a break and not criticize those differences. Just because someone has a very relaxed home doesn’t mean they are negligent. And if someone else is very structured that doesn’t mean they are controlling and abusive. I think most people love their children and are doing the best they can.
So why you? Why not ask your kids what kind of home they want to live in and then all take a vote? Because you are the parent. You were placed in that role by God and it’s up to you to make decisions for your family. If it were up to your children you would have alligators living in your bathtubs and tire swings in the kitchen. Maybe you do! If that’s the kind of home you want then great. If not then you have a lot of work to do.
I love having input from my kids but it is not their job to run this circus and it would really be unfair to put that burden of responsibility on them. When we are deciding how we want chores done at our house we all sit down and have a meeting. Everyone shares their feelings about it, we take a vote and the majority rules. (Mostly because there are three of us that are voting and the other two always disagree so my vote wins every time!) But guess what the kids do not get to decide? Whether or not they do jobs and for the most part what jobs need to be done. See the difference?
I truly believe that God gave my children the most perfect mother he could find for each one of them. Me. He knew that as a family we would have the opportunity to learn every lesson we need to learn at this stage of our lives. With His help it is up to me to decide how to mother them. Each one of them is different so when I am deciding what kind of home I want it is up to me to make decisions that will benefit our family as a whole. Where does the Dad fit into all of this? At our house we always work together but the Dad is also really smart. I am the one that is home all day with the children while he is off slaying dragons. He knows that if Momma is happy at home then everyone is happy. True story. The end.
When you are deciding what you want it is important to set your standards high. Wherever you lead, your children will follow. I decided that my children would learn to work and they did. As soon as I decided that my children were going to stop talking back to me they did. Well, one of them did. We are still working on the other two and I will share more about our experiences later.
So tell me what kind of home you want to have? I lean far over on the clean and orderly side of the spectrum. I used to look at moms who could live in chaos and think I should relax and be more like that. But I’m not and I’m fine with that now. Don’t tell me they are only little once and I should enjoy them while I can and not worry about the mess because if you do you will be asked to leave and never come back.
I want my house clean and I want my kids quiet when they are in it. And guess what? When my house is clean and orderly I do enjoy my kids. I don’t yell and I have the energy to do fun things. Things like laughing with them till I cry and hiking and risking my life for their enjoyment and more. When my house is a mess and my kids are out of control I don’t have energy for anything. I want to hide in my room and pretend that I never had children. How sad is that when with a little bit of effort I can enjoy them and have exactly the kind of home I want to have?
Make as many or as few rules as you want. We don’t have to sit back and let life happen to us. We get to decide! One of the changes I have made is with our schedule. For 11 years I have let issues with my children dictate what time I went to bed and what time I got up. Now I am finally taking control and it is benefiting all of us. Another mom in our discussion group had a problem with kids getting into the kitchen so she has a new schedule for meals and snacks and the kitchen is closed in between.
I would love to hear about some of the changes you would like to make in your home or changes you have already made that are working. Let’s inspire each other and our children to greatness!
Next time I will try to share the system my son and I designed that is helping him be productive and happy.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
April 30th, 2009 at
Love it! Makes sense.
I was just thinking about your morning schedule and wondering how it’s working out? (as my 5 yr old was up at 5:30). Do they all still stay in their rooms? I really need some time for me that’s not between midnight and 5 am, because that’s about the only “free” time I have. And even that is interrupted.
I too need an organized and clean house to be happy. Not that they can’t make messes, but they need to be cleaned up when finished.
Can’t wait to read more suggestions.
Thanks!
Lara says: The kids have adjusted to the new schedule. If they wake up early they just stay in their rooms and read until 8. I have to remind my 4 year old every morning but she is fine with going back to her room when I ask her to. Most of the time though I let her stay out because she will play with her baby sister and keep her entertained for me. Sweetness is the only one who doesn’t get the program and thinks she needs breakfast at 6:30!
I’m still not getting to bed and getting up as early as I’d like but 6:30 a.m. is much better than 9:00 a.m. so I’m happy with how it’s going.
April 30th, 2009 at
I think too many of abdicate our responsibility for these children we were blessed with. It is not always fun and there are difficult decisions to be made, but that is OUR jobs. Yes, they teach us, but that is not their job…we are to teach and guide them. Love this post.
April 30th, 2009 at
I have the same “needs” for an orderly home in order to function well as as parent. Thanks for giving me permission to feel that way!
All I ever see and read are opposite theories stating that to be a good mom you must revel in messes and kids’ creativity. I don’t mind controlled mess or exploration, but it must be AFTER they clean up the regular stuff. Hope that makes sense. Thank you for the insights.
April 30th, 2009 at
I agree, this has really got me thinking. Thanks!
April 30th, 2009 at
Thank you so much; I feel the same as the other ladies, in that I “need” order. And I have been beating myself up about this, since my children are young, (3 under the age of 7), and they do make messes and noise. Yet how much is because I let them and make excuses for them? We have much more fun, and they actually LOVE clean and organized rooms. Like me. =)
One more thought: your kids are SOOO cute! I always love the pictures!
April 30th, 2009 at
I love this – keep it coming, please!
April 30th, 2009 at
I think I have to ditto Andrea’s comment. But I also need to realize that my kids are 6,4,2 and 5months, so not sure how much we can accomplish, but better to start early!
April 30th, 2009 at
I really think we could be BFF’s!!!
I ‘heart’ Lara!
I have the exact same philosophy as you. I’ve had a hard time finding a balance and I think that’s because I’ve always felt I was supposed to be “balanced”. Somewhere in the middle of clean & messy. Fun & Boring. Odd way of thinking, but I felt like I was striving for something I couldn’t reach. I love this quote:
“Don’t tell me they are only little once and I should enjoy them while I can and not worry about the mess because if you do you will be asked to leave and never come back.”
April 30th, 2009 at
The most positive change I have made in our home with my children is to have a morning devotional with them every morning. I keep it simple- we sing a song, read an inspirational story from our church’s children’s magazine, the Friend, we discuss it briefly and we have a prayer. It’s a nice break for our hectic morning, and it gives us a chance to calm down and focus on what’s most important. Plus, we all get started off on the right foot for the day.
Another piece of advice that has worked for me is really simple: if something isn’t working for your family, identify a specific problem and devise a plan to solve it. For example, with my pregnancy I noticed that I was a lot more tired and I was unable to get the things accomplished in my day that I wanted to. Once I recognized that, I set an earlier bedtime for myself and I set a wake-up time that would allow me enough time to start my day off right- get a load of laundry in, pack lunches, get myself ready, etc. If the solution you make for a problem doesn’t seem to be working, tweak it until you find something that does work- don’t try once and give up, but also don’t beat your head against a wall trying to make a solution work that doesn’t fit your family. Everyone is different, so everyone’s strategies and solutions will be different.
I’m on the same page as you as far as a clean house- I need it clean or I feel really distracted and discouraged, which is no way for a mom to parent her kids.
Thanks for the inspiration, and I hope you get things such that you look forward to spending every day with your family in your home!
April 30th, 2009 at
This my friend is probably the best post you’ve ever written. I too like my house orderly and quiet…I use to apologize for it. Now I embrace it and the simplicity that comes with it. Kids that want to round around yelling and screaming can take it outside. Too many people let their kids call the shots and I just cringe. My kids do chores because those are the rules. Everyone works together and gets the job done. Uh oh, I think I feel a post coming on…LOL.
April 30th, 2009 at
Don’t tell me they are only little once and I should enjoy them while I can and not worry about the mess because if you do you will be asked to leave and never come back.”
AMEN!!
Ug I so get tired hearing this, used as an excuse of why I shouldn’t be cleaning the house or trying to keep things orderly. I should be making more messes with my children!! The problem I have with setting systems in place, or organizing a chore list, etc….is the DISTRACTION FREE time I need to do it. We homeschool, which is an excellent opportunity to teach them household chores, but to get a good hour to plan things out, to set up a routine, whatever, rarely happens. I have an hour or so after they go to bed…too brain dead…and morning times are reserved for the gym, in which they are bright and awake when I return. They are going to Camp Grammy for the weekend…so maybe , just maybe??
May 1st, 2009 at
Brava!
You have to do what gives you the energy to be a good mom, and lets you be joyful.
Also, they may only be little once, but you’re not just trying to make it through those years when they’re little, you’re also raising them to be good adults, who know how to do the things that need to be done and still have time for fun in their lives.
May 1st, 2009 at
i agree…we’re all different, and so we all have different comfort levels in our homes…
i figured that out a long time ago when i had friends who had no problem at all with letting their kids jump on the couch (at their house), and i wasn’t comfortable with this (wasn’t how i was raised), yet i don’t care about my kids using the word “butt” or telling me they hate me because i know its simply not true (doesn’t phase me, i just talk to them about how upset they are), but i know people who this bothers to the nth degree and do NOT allow this sort of talk in their houses.
to each his own. we all have what we like/don’t like.
i don’t like messes in my house either, but i seriously suck, most of the time, at maintaining the house (starting to finally get a grip on that though, yay me!) and so i just have learned to tackle whatever mess is really bothering me when its bothering me and just let go the things that i don’t have time to worry about. in other homes, this wouldn’t be acceptable, but in this home where mom is pretty domestically challenged…i’m ok with it.
now, if i can just get my husband on the save wavelength/comfort zone as me. that’s a whole ‘nother ballgame, methinks.
May 1st, 2009 at
I think you should be made famous for your quote:
“Don’t tell me they are only little once and I should enjoy them while I can and not worry about the mess because if you do you will be asked to leave and never come back.”
I somehow missed your post on bedtime. I love your plan to only blog in the morning before they wake up. Sometimes I accidentally wake up when my hubby leaves for work at 5am and I feel so guilty when I squander those rare awake early days by being on the computer. But when I blog at night I get lost and never get off. So much better to only be allowed computer if I get up early. You’re a genius Lara!
May 1st, 2009 at
It really is all about what you want and putting your personality into it. I’m finally starting to see that an dit’s much more fun doing it my way! I think I will actually stay consistant that way!
May 1st, 2009 at
This post is a masterpiece!
And it was meant just for me
!! Thanks for giving me permission to embrace my own parenting philosophy … without feeling guilty. And I am glad there are so many moms out there who are on the same spectrum. Now I just need to somehow teach my overly spirited and energetic 4 year old red head that this is what makes mom happy 
!!
“Don’t tell me they are only little once and I should enjoy them while I can and not worry about the mess because if you do you will be asked to leave and never come back.” This needs to go in a frame on my fridge!
May 1st, 2009 at
I wrote earlier on your previous post about your son.
So honest.
Since we found out about his “switching” challenge we’ve learned a bunch about how to accommodate for it!
#1: Lists. Be very visual. Post where they can easily bump into it, see it, and check things off of it.
#2: Only give one request; step at a time. If you give more than one step, they will forget the first one. Honest, they do not do this to frustrate you.
#3: Smile about it. Believe they have the best intentions. This shift in attitude is crucial and EFFECTIVE.
Hang in there!
May 1st, 2009 at
Oops, I meant that “you” were “so honest”. Sorry.
Update from our camp: huge increase in self esteem in our son. Definitely because I no longer think his behavior is bad and done on purpose . Personnal guilt for me. I’ll get over it. So happy he’s happier.
May 1st, 2009 at
I love it! I especially love the part about not judging someone else, just because they have a different state of chaos/cleanliness than you. And that you don’t have to live in a pig sty to be a good mom. I’ve spent a lot of time the past few days dreaming my dream. And I like it. It makes me happy.
May 2nd, 2009 at
Very good! Don’t let anyone tell you they hate you, it’s great.
I want to hear more about your experience with backtalking, but I do see that once you decide you won’t allow it, things happen more.
I also appreciated that you have looked at people that live in chaos and are good with that. I don’t think we’re in total chaos, but I’ve never thought of us as being admirable. Thanks for a little perspective that we don’t have to be ‘perfect’ to have greatness.
May 13th, 2009 at
[...] Dream The Impossible Dream ~ The Lazy Organizer [...]
May 19th, 2009 at
I think you have a wonderful balance in your views. I too need order and neatness, but I don’t want to be overboard and not allow my children to make messes when getting out their legos or crafts, etc. I do think it is good for them to clean up and put away when done, or organize mess if continuing project tomorrow (legos). It teaches them good habits and we can have a balance in controlled messes and being neat. I always “feel” out of control when my home starts to look out of control, and that’s not a good.