The Lazy Organizer

Dear Lazy

A reader asked me this question on Facebook.

Could you please blog about what kind of limits you place on your kids TV and computer game time? I’m loving your ideas about all these other areas of life.

See how you people encourage me to spread my weirdness?  It’s all your fault.

A Story First

A friend of mine recently called to talk to me about teaching children to work. She couldn’t believe what my children could do in the kitchen. “You mean they can really prepare an entire meal by themselves without cutting their fingers off and burning down the house?” Yes. They really can.

When I taught my children to cook I didn’t just take the knives out, turn on the stove and leave the room. We cooked together for years before they began doing it by themselves. When my daughter started using knives I held her hand in mine and we chopped together. When I felt like she could do it herself we chopped side by side so I could watch her every move. Now she if free to use knives in any way she wants because I know that she knows how to use them and I know that she has had enough experience to use them wisely.  Yes, she cuts herself sometimes (I just cut the tip of my thumb off the other day while chopping lettuce!) but her risks are minimized by her knowledge and experience.

Parents would be very wise to teach their children about media the same way.

Hold Their Hand In Yours

Don’t let entertainment and media be a free-for-all in your home. The more limits you set for your children the happier your family will be.  If you are very firm with your limits your children will learn them very quickly.  Children who know their limits don’t have to waste their time and energy testing them.  This leaves them free to play and learn exciting things with their time.

Movies

I’m embarrassed to say how many movies my older children watched on a daily basis when they were young.  When I stopped that and limited them to one movie a day I thought I was a good mom.  Several years ago we switched to about one movie a week and now we are at no movies except for very rare occasions.  There are just too many interesting things to be doing in life to be wasting time in front of a television.

For a while I had to get movies for everyone to watch when Muscles was babysitting and I hated it.  I wanted them to be able to stay home without entertainment but our new early bedtime has solved that problem for us.  I just get everyone ready for bed before I go anywhere and then they are either in bed or on their way there when I leave.

Another problem is movies with friends and family.  This is an area that is obviously difficult to manage so we have made it easy for our children.  There is too much variance in PG movies for them to be able to make wise choices so when they are away from home they can watch G rated movies only.

Computers

In our house we have a lap top in the living room that the children can use with permission if they have a specific reason to use it. They can reserve library books, print out sheet music, learn about a topic they’re interested in, etc. They have to use it at the coffee table with the screen facing a parent at all times. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how to toggle quickly between screens when someone walks in the room. Ask me how I know. They are never allowed to use the computer away from home for any reason.  This obviously means they are not allowed to watch someone else use the computer either.

Ipods

My children would not even own Ipods except that they won them at the fair.  I wanted to save them for when they are older but Sailor talked me into letting them use them.  They only have music on them that I have given them and they rarely use them so they haven’t been a problem.

Gaming

I don’t think video games are necessary for anyone of any age.  “But what if my child wants to be a video game programmer when he grows up?”  Really?  How many video game programmers do you think there are compared to the number of men in their twenties that don’t have jobs and aren’t getting married because they sit in their parents basements feeding their gaming (and who knows what else) addiction?

And what if your child does become a video game programmer?  Is that the most noble profession you can think of for your child?  I think there are better ways of contributing to society.  I am obviously not going to choose my child’’s profession for him but as I train him I am envisioning the best he can be, not the least.

Boys in particular have a tendency to become addicted to gaming.  I think it is just in their active, adventure seeking natures.  My daughter could play video games for a few minutes every day and be perfectly content but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t become addicted if I allowed her unlimited access.

I used to try to set time limits for my son but it didn’t matter what the limits were, he always pushed them and wanted more.  When I didn’t allow more he would sneak and lie to get more so I would take away game time completely.  Months would pass and I would start giving him privileges again, thinking he would  eventually learn to control himself.  He never did.  I finally had to apply my first commandment of parenting.

Don’t give your children more responsibility than they can handle.

My son simply could not control himself so I took away the temptation altogether.   Technology is a wonderful, powerful, dangerous tool  so if you are allowing your children to use it, it is your job to make sure they are using it wisely.  There are plenty of parents out there that know it is harming their children but they look the other way because they don’t want to make the hard choices.  Don’t be one of those parents.  It doesn’t matter how old your child is.  It is never too late to start setting boundaries.

The Rules in Our Home

• Gaming – None. Period. End of story.
• Computer use – Limited with direct supervision by their parent and no one else.
• Cell phone – Limited
• Movies – Limited to a few times a year at home.  G Rated movies away from home.
• Television – None
• Held games or electronic toys – None.  They are a waste of time and a distraction.
• Ipod – Limited to the songs I give them.

I know that I am very extreme but that was not my goal.  My goal was to find limits that work for our family.  I started with leniency and set tighter and tighter limits till I found what worked but  I did it backwards.  What I should have done was treat technology like a very sharp knife and a hot stove.  If I had done that in the beginning then right now my older children would be enjoying more freedoms instead of less.  I am basically starting over with them and hoping the damage I caused can be repaired.  Luckily I know better now so I don’t have the same struggles with my four year old.

Raising Rebels

Are my kids going to rebel against all these rules when they are old enough to move away from home?  Maybe but here is the thing.  It is my job to teach correct principles with love and that’s what I’m trying to do.  My children still have their agency and I’m not pretending to be able to predict the future. I have made all these changes in our home because they have made us happier now.  That’s all I care about.

November 21st, 2009 Lara Gallagher Posted in Ask Lazy, Parenting Is Hard! | 16 Comments »

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